I was 30 years old when I was introduced to ACEs: Adverse Childhood Experiences. I had experienced a great deal of trauma in my childhood and it was starting to show itself in my adulthood. All I could think was “What in the world is happening to me!" I noticed that I was growing in many different areas in my life, but struggling with one of the most important aspects of my life: relationships. I am a firm lover of relationships, but for some reason, I seemed to be losing relationships left and right or at least the ones in which I found interest. It was rather difficult for me to understand that there are different reasons that people are in your life for certain durations of the seasons. I soon found myself repositioning and compromising the true me for the sake of what I thought was "friendship.” I heard a phrase that changed my mind “The real you is better than the fake somebody else”.
So, I began this journey of reclaiming my identity and identifying the precursors that shaped me to become the woman that I am today. I came upon an epiphany, “Maybe I should start from the very beginning, (hence Genesis…) Grandma and Grandpa!” Although they have been divorced over 30 years, they are still the coordinators of our family tree. Besides the fact that I already greatly enjoy spending time with my grandparents, I became more intentional about our time together. I would ask tons of questions, and listen to stories, even some stories that were repeated; some of the repeated stories brought new or clearer understanding. For some reason, their stories reminded me of healing waters that never made it to the roots. I often wonder, if they had known each other’s story and if it would have provided some healing to their relationship.
From what I gathered from my grandparents, I was able to see the generational “jinx” that had become a cemented root in our family tree. The theme of our tree was brokenness due to a lack of identity. YIKES! The very thing I was struggling with was the fruit from the seeds of brokenness and distorted identify planted before my life was even a thought. Ultimately, my grandparents divorced and each of them endured their own struggles in life that included my grandfather being imprisoned for a crime that he did not commit, and my grandmother being a victim of severe domestic violence. The cycle of domestic violence went on to produce fruit in my mother's life, which ultimately produced fruit in my life.
I made a vow to break cycles and chop down trees in my life that were not producing healthy fruit. In the midst of that vow, I lost sight of my goal, because I preferred relationships; I became a Chameleon. Soon, I found myself hiding behind a mask, afraid of the reality of potential rejection from "friends.” Smothered in my relationship with God, I prayed one of those hard prayers, "Lord show me who I am and show me who my friends are."
As time progressed, my identity began to be revealed and relationships began to fall away. I had a tough time processing and was seeking an outlet (because depression is not an option!). Anytime I've ever endured some type of trauma, I would simply seek a new hobby; this season of my life was different though. I didn't have a new hobby in mind this time. I thought about therapy, but, I just didn't see my healing coming from lying on someone's couch being asked "and why do you feel that way… uh huh… and what makes you feel that way…". I've always been told that I have an amazing testimony. And when I would share my poetry on stage, I would feel a sense of relief. I was invited to a storytelling event, and the event changed my life. This was it! This was the outlet that I didn't know that I needed! (Storytelling, paired with ACEs: the effects of childhood trauma in adulthood) Yes, I had trauma that had not been dealt with, and yes, there are some seeds that were planted in my childhood, that have produced fruit in my adulthood, and I absolutely needed to talk about it, just not with a therapist.
Wait a minute, this seems all too familiar, and I’ve done this before, at church, many times! It's called TESTIMONY! or in my case "TestiStory"; And everyone has one! The beauty in all of this is that no matter what kind of seeds have been planted in your past, telling your story is the healing water that your roots need in order to produce the healthy fruit for your future.
The picture at the top of the post can be found here.
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